Addiction to Chaos

When I was burning out on 10-12 hour work days and my health issues were getting to an unmanageable point, I started to slow down. I had to. My body wouldn’t allow me to keep going at that pace.

If you’re familiar with Human Design, I’m a Projector, which—among other things—means I don’t have consistent access to “doing” energy. My drive to keep pushing hard was my mind and ego overriding the signals my body was giving me, and I was only able to manage that by utilizing adrenaline. But after years of this, my adrenal glands were shot and desperately needed a break. So backing off was exactly the first step I needed.

But it felt wrong, and not just because I believed that my only value came from what I could produce. It was also the lack of mental stimulation.

I often underestimate how addicting mental stimulation is until I try to do without it. When I’m really caught up in it, quieting down feels I’m about to fall into a bottomless pit and not be able to climb back out. It’s threatening.

Want to know the best way to pump up the mental stimulation quickly? By creating some chaos.

Chaos gives the mind everything it could possibly want:

• There’s a flood of newness, which releases tons of dopamine.
• The circumstances are usually incredibly stressful, which means a constant flow of adrenaline.
• There’s no time for contemplation and no room to explore something new, and therefore no space for real growth (which is always uncomfortable and scary for the mind).
• However, it feels like you’re growing because you just did so much. How could you not have grown when you had to flex your grit and resilience muscles so heavily?
• Your ego gets a nice boost because you made it through despite the odds (or you didn’t, but how could that be your fault when it was so chaotic?? You deserve a pat on the back just for surviving.)

In a sense, chaos is a form of control because it pushes you into a predictable source of overstimulation. Even if it feels like the room is on fire around you, you’re still getting what you were seeking. The only way to get out of the cycle is to go through some seriously uncomfortable withdrawal of all that stimulation, and that requires a huge amount of faith that if you fall into that pit of nothingness, eventually—with a huge amount of patience—you’ll be able to crawl back out.

Most people don’t have that faith and can’t stand that amount of discomfort. So they stay in chaos until they’re forced slow down. And that usually happens because of our bodies.

I was recently reading Richard Rudd’s take on Gene Key 15, and in the gift section he talks about how our bodies are built to vibrate at the frequency of the earth. Slow. Deliberate. Variable in terms of how productive we are. The same as it’s been for thousands of years.

Our minds are driving us forward at blinding speed while our bodies are built to slow us down, like an anchor stubbornly stuck in the past. Our fast-paced society would like us to believe this is a hindrance, and the real test of your worth is whether you can override this. But actually, the body’s slow pace is an intentional counterbalance. Yes, we need progress forward, but we also need to remember everything that came before and continuously turn inward because that’s where wisdom is found, as well as fulfillment and meaning.

Of course, removing yourself from chaos isn’t always possible. It feels like every day we wake up to news that rattles us. If you live in the United States, you’re probably well aware that chaos is this administration’s tool of choice to gain as much control as possible. And many workplaces seem to operate on the notion that if you’re not in the thick of chaos on a regular basis then you’re not working hard enough.

But there are things you can still do to help reconnect to slowness and calmness, even if it’s just temporary:

• Start to question what’s “normal” - so much of the chaos that we deal with is considered “normal.” As in, this is just the way things are. But the only way to break a pattern is to become aware of it, so the next time something “normal” feels off, take a closer look at it and ask yourself, is this normal? Or is it something we’ve accepted because we’ve been told that’s the way it needs to be. For example, we’re often told that more is better. But can you actually have more impact if you do less, reach fewer people, or have fewer offerings? Is the desire do/reach/offer more tied to something, like a feeling of not enoughness? Why does there have to be more in this situation?
• Limit social media (or get off completely) - as much as I love the variety of resources and perspectives on social media, I find myself drowning in information and unable to connect with my own inner guidance system when I’m logging on too much. Personally, I feel I get the best balance between staying connected and protecting myself when I log on once a week. When I stray from this (which is often, because it’s hard to fight the addicting nature of it), I can definitely feel the impact to my mental health. If you feel like you’re missing something when you do this, is there another way (and maybe even a better way) to access that something on a regular basis?
• Find time to sit in silence - this could be 5-10 minutes, and if you’re not used to silence this is a great place to start. Usually, I’ll look for 5-30 minute windows in between meetings and either step away from the computer or just close my eyes so I can reconnect with myself. There are bonus points if I can go outside, visit my patio garden, and/or walk the dog so I can get so I can get some sun / earth / movement.
• Say no more often - there’s a lot that we say yes to that we don’t really want to do or that we love at first but eventually we grow out of. As a master people pleaser, I hate saying no. I feel like if I do, I need a bulletproof excuse and spend a lot of time and energy crafting that. Even then, I hate to disappoint. But I just don’t have the energy anymore to do things that don’t feel right, so I’ve had to learn to say no. Most of the time, I find that after all my mental preparation for a perfect excuse and bracing myself for disappointment, the other party doesn’t even really care. And if they go through hoops to keep you trapped in chaos…
• Remove yourself from extreme situations and relationships - this takes discernment. Any relationship or situation is probably going to be hard at some point. There are going to be points of friction, maybe even arguments. That’s just part of the imperfect human experience. But if it’s reaching a point where it’s harming you and there’s no room for reparation, it might be time to consider ending the relationship or situation. One strong clue that leaving is the best option is that there’s something else in addition to chaos that crosses a line, such as something illegal/unethical happening, heavy gaslighting, or bullying.

What about you? How does the pull between chaos and slowing down show up for you? Are there any ways that work well for you to deal with chaos? Let me know in the comments below.