Dare to be bad at something

The choir I'm part of doesn't just sing. The shows we put on also have acting and dancing components. And since I had a lot of fun learning the riser choreography that everyone does, I wanted to try a dance class as a test run for whether I wanted to try the full on dancing with the choir in the fall.

So I took an all levels jazz class the other night and it turns out, I'm pretty bad.

I knew that was a risk. A probability, even. I haven't done any ballet / jazz / lyrical type dance in, uh... decades. But I clung to the "all levels" description and assumed I would be fine.

Here's the thing. Technically, I was fine. I had enough of an idea of what I was doing. I could follow most of the steps, at least while we were going slowly. I even left the class wanting to pursue more (level appropriate) dance classes because I felt great afterward.

I was just bad at something in public. And instead of choosing to be embarrassed by that, I shrugged and gave it a chance anyway.

That reaction to potential embarrassment is pretty abnormal. I know, because that's not usually my reaction to it. My typical reaction is to imagine how much everyone will judge me for being less than perfect and then not even try.

But here is something that our perfection-crazed society doesn't want you to believe: You are allowed to be bad at things!!!

In fact, being bad at something is the only way to acquire a new skill. No matter how good you are at something, there is a level above where you're at that will require you to be bad at it for a period of time if you want to keep growing your skills. Those people who allow themselves to try something despite the chance they'll be bad at it are the ones who open up a world of possibility to themselves. And those who are too scared to try or stop the moment they're bad remain small.

For instance, even though I have pushed myself in some areas of my life, I have a list of things I've considered doing but haven't done yet because I'm too scared. Acting classes. Drawing classes. Plant identification. Writing my book and publishing it. Practicing my Spanish and French out in the real world with people I don't know. Trying out for solos in choir. Taking the steps to start a consulting business.

As long as I let the fear of being bad control me, these are the boundaries of where my world ends. And I would be okay if I let my world remain as big as it currently is, but I would also always have some regret that I didn't take the risk and try.

Of course, there are other potential blockers (time and money are common ones). But often the excuses are just that – excuses. Not always. There are some legitimate reasons you might not be able to do the thing you want to do. But it's difficult to be honest with yourself sometimes! My pattern is usually: say no to something I want to try a dozen times because I have "legit excuses," finally say yes, realize I could have started months or years earlier if I had just had the courage to say, why not?

So how do we get over the fact that we're probably going to suck for a bit and say yes to the things we want? Here are a few things that have helped me.

1. Remember, no one is looking at you!

Seriously. No one. Or maybe they are, but they're way more worried about how they're doing than how you're doing. Even in the slim chance they're judging you, the likelihood they would say anything to you is even slimmer. And in the off chance they say something to you, chances are it would be a helpful tip. You might even make a friend over it.

The dance class I took the other night was filled with people who had clearly had years of dance experience. But even when we split into two groups and took turns watching, most people were spending the time marking the steps in their head so they would do better when it was their turn. Zero people made judgy faces at me. Zero people said anything other than thanks for coming.

And even if they did say something judgmental, what that says to me is that your courage is triggering their own fear of being bad at something. That's a them problem. Unless they are persistent at it (in which case, talk to someone or find a different place to learn), just ignore them and let them sit with their discomfort.

2. Stick with it for at least a few weeks

I took my first Spanish class at an adult ed school years ago and as soon as we had to do speaking exercises I would get so embarrassed. I could feel myself shrink just thinking about the teacher calling on me and asking me something I didn't have a memorized response for.

Something kind of amazing happens, though, if you stick with something for long enough. Neural pathways start to form in your brain and you get to see tangible improvement fairly quickly. The second month of my Spanish class, new material was still hard, but the stuff we learned in month one was much easier. My mind was beginning to form a map of the language rather than trying to memorize each word as a separate entity. I could have a (very simple) conversation and not feel like finding the next word was like remembering the next digit of pi.

3. Practice

Do you know what is amazing motivation for practicing? Getting embarrassed by how bad you are at something. In my opinion, it's one of the main reasons embarrassment exists: if you're not good at something, the embarrassment will help you overcome inertia and push you to practice so you improve faster.

My embarrassment in Spanish class made me realize that I couldn't remember things because I wasn't practicing daily. So I started using Duolingo as a supplement. When I get new music in choir, I get embarrassed by how bad my sight reading is. So I go home, pluck everything out on the piano until my brain gets it, and come back super prepared. Even the morning after my dance class, I woke up and found myself trying some of the dance combinations again to see if I could get them better. I'm never going to use them again. But I was just curious if they had gotten a little easier once they'd had a night to simmer in my brain.

4. Do new things in public often

I think a big reason I didn't feel that embarrassed at the dance class is because last year I took a lot of new classes when I joined a gym for a few months.

At the time, I was really out of shape and most people in my classes were extremely fit. So most classes, I was the person huffing and puffing, taking breaks when the teacher didn't say to take one, and then trying again. And everyone else seemed to be doing great.

And so it turns out, I'm well practiced in going to classes where I'm hopelessly out-experienced and doing my best to keep up. I've become good at tuning out everyone else and just focusing on doing the best I can. When I messed up or had to stop for a breather, I just jumped right back in and kept going without worrying about what the people around me thought.

It feels much less scary to try something you might be bad at when you have already survived situations where you were bad at something. Especially when it's in public. Because if there were zero consequences last time, chances are, there will be zero consequences this time.

5. Keep the critical people out

On the occasion that there are people who are critical about your abilities, put up a boundary that this new thing is off limits. Usually this is going to come from a friend, family member, or significant other rather than someone doing the activity with you. And usually it's because that person is trying to protect you from the very thing your brain is trying to protect you from – the embarrassment.

When I started taking voice lessons 7 years ago, I would record myself singing and share with friends and family (especially during COVID lockdown). And my great uncle sent a couple of emails in response to, uh, try to help me improve, I guess? But he had zero experience in singing, zero regard for the fact that I was a beginner, and zero awareness that his "advice" was totally unasked for.

So I stopped sending him my recordings. Even now that I'm much better than I was, I refuse to send him any recordings because he lost that right.

And I do want to be clear that feedback isn't a bad thing. But it's important to get feedback from people who know what they're talking about and give you feedback that's appropriate for the level you're at. A good teacher can tell the difference between something that needs to be corrected now and something that should be addressed later. Someone who is more advanced than you can give you advice based in their own experience. Someone at your level might have a tip for what made something click for them.

Someone who has never done the thing or is being overly critical? They're just being a perfectionist, and the only thing that is good for is making you want to quit. You aren't being overly sensitive if you cut out people who are going to make it less likely that you'll keep going, especially when you're new and haven't had a chance to build up the confidence in your skill that allows you to brush off overly harsh feedback later. You're protecting your right to be allowed to be bad at something! If the perfectionists don't like it, let them squirm in their discomfort. You're too busy expanding your world.

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