The stories we tell ourselves

Sometimes while my sister and I are in the living room, our dog is across the room sleeping on a chair or in his bed. And sometimes he’ll wake up and decide he needs some pets. Now.

You would think he would come over, wag his tail in an adorable fashion, and obtain those pets. But no, that’s not what he does.

He stays where he is and groans at us.

Even when we wave him over or pat the seat next to us, he just continues to groan like that’ll magically convince us. Then eventually he gives up and pouts, despite the fact that he could get what he wants with just a little effort.

I was thinking about this after writing my last post. In particular, I talked about how I wished my onboarding time at my job allowed more time for me to absorb the material I was reading. And it’s true. Having more time to process what I’ve been learning rather than stuffing it all in and hoping it sticks would be ideal.

But our external circumstances are often not ideal, and we often have little to no control over them.

Maybe it’s because I was reading Man’s Search for Meaning late into the night, which is about how we can choose how we respond to any situation we’re in, but it hit me that there might be something that I could do. Primarily, look at why I was driving myself into burn out to finish everything on time.

Yes, there were deadlines imposed by the company. But the person leading it also mentioned that it might take more time. Our dedicated learning time is two weeks, but they’re not going to fire us if we take longer.

The deadlines, therefore, were essentially self-imposed. And when I dug deeper, I found the root cause for the pressure I felt: my own insecurity.

I recognized it in my last post too: the feeling that I’m too slow, that I’m not smart enough, that people will think less of me if I don’t fit my learning into a neat two-week window. But those are all stories. I don’t have any proof they’re actually true (in fact, I have a lot of proof they’re not). So I had a choice to keep believing them or not.

I chose not. I made the decision to slow down. Even if it takes me a couple more weeks to finish. Even if someone is disappointed in me. Because if I want to absorb what I’m learning and truly value it, I have the ability to do that. It just might make me the odd one out.

Do I still think there’s a better way to have people go through this material? Yeah, I do. I think everyone would benefit from a change in how this onboarding is structured. AND the first step to trying to make a change is to claim it for myself as an example of what’s possible. Maybe things will change, and maybe this choice for myself is the only influence I’ll ever have on this system. But if nothing else, I can enter this experience knowing I showed up in a way that aligns with what is right for myself, and really for the company as well.