Facing uncomfortable truths

When I was laid off, I decided to take February to just enjoy life and revel in creative projects. I told myself that as soon as March came I would clean up my resume and start my next job hunt.

Well, March came, and I found myself totally paralyzed. Change is uncomfortable no matter how it comes about, but I think there's an extra layer of discomfort when it's forced upon you because you have no control over the timing or what truths come to the surface as you process what just happened.

For me, the first uncomfortable truth to hit me in the face was this: all I want is to keep living my life without compromising anymore.

I want feel like the work I do is meaningful. Like there is more that matters than hitting metrics and maximizing profit no matter the cost. Like I can do good work without having to exhaust myself. Like there is room for play, learning, and exploration. Like my health comes before everything else rather than being something I only pay attention to when I'm on the verge of a health collapse because I neglected myself for too long.

And it's not to say that a 9 to 5 can't allow for these things–I've found ways to work with most of these while holding a 9 to 5. But there is certainly less control when you don't define the goalposts, the timelines, or what is urgent. You can put up boundaries, but it's hard to say no when your job is the one and only thing that pays your bills. It adds pressure to say yes when everything in you is saying no because of the fear you'll be seen as difficult.

So why not finally take action on building something that feels good to me?

Of course, this led to another uncomfortable truth: that I continue to have more trust in a 9 to 5 than anything I could build or offer.

At a high level, this is because many 9 to 5s are the epitome of stability in our society. They offer a steady paycheck, health insurance, and sometimes even additional perks like retirement accounts, meal and transportation programs, and reimbursement programs.

But at its core, my issue has more to do with self-belief. The belief of whether I'm creative enough to build the income streams that will pay my bills. That I have enough experience to truly offer something of value. That I'm capable of making the decisions and doing all the things it takes to run a business.

Running a business feels so easy when it's a far-off dream. Like, of course I'll be able to do that... some day when I have more experience, knowledge, and confidence. Now that it's staring me in the face as a real potential option, I can see how much I overlooked and took for granted.

This is the same lack of belief that caused me to make major decisions in my life based on what might impress other people the most (i.e. all the AP classes in high school and my computer science degree). It made me doubt myself so much that I made career changes because other people told me to. While I've gotten better at taking responsibility for my life, I continue to come up against that lack of self-belief in other, more complex ways. That's how facing our personal lessons works: each time you overcome one layer, there's a richer layer just beneath waiting to be worked on.

Which brought me to my most uncomfortable truth: the only way to overcome this discomfort is to take action based in discernment.

This is where a little irony comes in. Yes, action overcomes uncertainty, which is a large part of the discomfort. But if you want to make a decision that feels incredibly right, you really need to dig deep into what is so uncomfortable and what you really want. Otherwise you're going to keep hitting similar discomfort even though you've taken action.

That AI chatbot, tarot deck, pro/con list, friend poll, or whatever you might use to make a decision is data. This is so critical to keep in mind, because there is so much temptation to outsource our decisions, especially the hard ones. Every time I come across one, I want to go running to my coach and ask her to tell me the right thing to do because I feel a lot more certain when someone else makes the decision.

Do you know what my coach does if I do that? She turns it back to me. Because in order to have real agency in my life, I have to be willing to be honest with myself about what I want and then go after that, certainty or no. External information can help inform what might be right for me, but it's sitting in the discomfort that's going to illuminate what's really going on subconsciously. What am I excited about? What am I afraid of? What feels right? What feels like a should?

God isn't going to appear in the sky and spoon feed me the answers to these questions! They're only going to come by sitting in the quiet and allowing them time to surface.

And then at some point there is enough clarity to take some action. Not certainty–remember that certainty only comes through action. Just enough clarity that I know I will feel proud of the choice I'm about to make even when I'm scared, and whether it turns out the way I hope it will or not. I can only build self-belief if I take the risk to the thing I feel is right for me.

So that's where I'm at right now. Sitting in discomfort and gaining clarity on my next steps. I'll post more about those decisions in future essays. If you'd like to follow along, subscribe to have them delivered to your inbox.