Part 2: The curse of knowledge

A little boy on the other side of the waiting room yawned and leaned against his mom, who rubbed his arm absentmindedly. She stared off at nothing, with dark circles under her eyes.

Molly knew the feeling. She turned away and sighed, wishing she could be oblivious like the little boy. Confusion and restlessness seemed like much better alternatives to everything she felt now. That must be what the mom was thinking too. Molly ran her fingers through her hair and realized for the first time that she’d forgotten to comb it before they left.

Footsteps echoed from every direction. She turned every time she heard them, wondering if they belonged to her dad who would come get her and Lizzie just before their mom started prepping for the surgery.

“Has dad come back yet?” Lizzie asked, appearing behind Molly and making her jump. Somehow even on the squeaky linoleum floors Lizzie walked like a cat.

Molly shook her head. “Probably still checking in.”

Another wave of cold pulsed through her and she shuddered. If anything, it had only gotten worse as they entered the air-conditioned walls of UCLA. But it wasn’t spreading out to her limbs like a typical chill. It seemed to be condensing in her chest.

“You really don’t look so good,” Lizzie said.

“I think you’re finally starting to lose that charming bedside manner,” Molly said with a weak smile.

Lizzie pulled Molly’s head into her shoulder, possibly just to prove her wrong. Across the room, the little boy had fallen asleep in his mother’s arms. It wasn’t working quite as well for her.

“Ready girls?” Their dad came out of one of the hallways and they went to go wish their mom luck.

Breathing as deeply as she could, Molly told herself, Smile and wish her luck. Don’t stress her out. She needs to feel confident when she goes into surgery.

Because if she didn’t then, well, Molly didn’t know but it couldn’t be good.

Their mom already had on her hospital gown. Her collarbone poked out and Molly realized the baggy sweaters her mom wore lately hadn’t just been because of the brisk winter air. Tears pricked the corners of Molly’s eyes and she blinked them away.

Lizzie took the lead with a smile on her face. “Good luck mom!” She kissed her on the cheek and flashed a broad smile. “It’s going to go great.”

“Thanks sweetie.” Their mom smiled back, then looked at Molly, whose forced smile had completely disappeared.

This moment meant so much, and Molly was already botching it. She just wanted to do the same as Lizzie, but now the cold had centralized in the center of her chest, like a thousand tiny icicles digging into her. Biting into her heart. Telling her to go back outside. Go home, and take her mom with her. That would stop it. Somehow she knew in her core that’s what she needed to do. But what kind of daughter took her mom away from her best chance at survival?

A tear dropped from her eye and her mom beckoned her forward.

“Sweetie, it’s going to be all right.” Her mom gripped Molly’s hand. “I have the best surgeon. He’ll have me right as rain before you know it.”

It made sense. But it didn’t feel true. Molly nodded anyway. “Of course it will,” she said. She kissed her mom on the cheek, just like Lizzie and took a step back, but didn’t let go of her mom’s hand until Lizzie pulled her back so their dad could say his well wishes.

As the hours ticked by, the cold stayed with Molly. Even coffee didn’t do anything to warm her. She sat curled in a chair in the corner, suffering silently as the icicles came together to cut into one central point. And just when she thought she couldn’t take any more, it stopped.

That had to be a good sign, right? Molly perked up and looked over at her sister, reading one of her magazines, and her dad, staring at the ground. The movement must have caught Lizzie’s eye and she glanced up, smiling as Molly came over to sit next to her.

“Now you’re feeling better,” Lizzie said.

“You can tell?” Molly asked.

“There’s a spark in your eye again.”

Molly grabbed one of Lizzie’s magazines and pulled it open, grinning behind it while Lizzie grinned back. Even their dad looked up and watched his daughters with a hint of a smile at his lips.

“Excuse me, Mr. Cooper?”

None of them had seen the surgeon come.  All their smiles vanished.

“Yes?” their dad said.

“I’m very sorry, but there was a complication during the surgery.”

Whatever else the surgeon said, Molly didn’t hear. Her ears rang, not believing what was happening right in front of her. Lizzie’s magazines fell to the ground. Their dad looked to his daughters, then back the ground, lost as the surgeon kept speaking.

The cold might be gone, but it left a hollowness in Molly’s chest that ached for the icy feeling to come back. If she had that, then maybe she could still do something.

Now she only had regret and the gnawing question: how did she know?

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